Ya know those horror movies that are so suckingly bad that you end up watching anyway? Laughing at continuity errors, the wretched dialogue, the blatant rip-off of previous movies? Well, boys and girls, brace yourselves ‘coz the SciFi channel is running the dreadful “Beast of Bray Road” this month. Pop your popcorn and get ready to MST the hell out of this fine piece of wasted celluloid.
I laughed out loud. Really.
Now don’t get me wrong. I luv me some bad werewolf movies. Dog Soldiers? Started out good, ended up bad. I still watch it if it’s on. The Ginger Snaps series? Gave up on them when I realized they was just soft-core porn not-so-cleverly disguised as werewolf movies. What was that last one Wes Craven did a couple years back? Cursed? Something like that. Again, good start with a Creepy Scene in the Woods, but then it devolved into a Buffy-punning scenario so bad in a good way.
But Beast of Bray Road is a whole different level of badness. The kind of bad that, should *any* of these actors ever make it big, they’ll want to send their entourage and personal assistants on a divine mission to buy up every single copy of this “film” ever produced.
First of all, it’s a total Jaws rip-off. The recently transplanted cop from out of town who doesn’t know the scoop yet? Check. An elected official who wants to win again? Check. A town economically dependent on its natural resources? Check. A scientist who is supposed to know more about the animal than these stupid civilians? Check. The list could go on but I won’t. Benchley, if he were still alive, would probably have sued.
This is a movie where there was more money spent on special effects than something so pesky as a real writer. You know, one who could write, oh say, compelling dialogue. Someone who might write a phrase better than “brutally massacred”. (As if anyone has ever been gently massacred or perhaps lovingly massacred). Or dialogue like, “How dangerous is this animal?” after three characters have been killed by it. Um, I dunno, Officer Halfwit. Pretty damn dangerous, I’d say.
All of the female characters are way way way overly made-up and intended to be Hawt. Clearly, push-up bras were a key element of the wardrobe department’s budget. And of course, there are Horror Movie Cliché Moments. No less than three different characters leap from the relative safety of their motor vehicles to take off running through the dark woods when something Big and Scary jumps on or in the car. Ya gotta love characters like this; there’s a dark part of me that’s just relieved they’re out of the gene pool.
Watch it. It has to be seen to be dis-believed.